Through Pandaemonium

My apologies for my absence these past two weeks. Life took some turns which left me very emotionally, mentally, and physically drained.

I’ve felt so stressed and pulled in so many different directions these past few weeks. I’ve felt lost and confused about where to go, what to do, and how to go about it. So many choices to make. So little clarity. So many unknowns. So little certainty. And I like my certainty. There’s been so much risk. And it feels impossible to even tell how I’ll measure if my decisions have been the best decisions I could have made.

I’ve been more scared, more terrified, than I’ve felt in a long, long time. I’ve felt alone. I’ve felt distant from other people, and distant from myself. And I felt like I was completely engulfed by fear. I let myself feel hopeless.

I cried. A lot. Because of the pain. So many different types of pain. And I allowed myself to suffer. And I allowed to watch myself suffer. And even though I was aware that I was watching myself suffer, I continued to allow myself to do it. To immerse myself in it.

An odd experience in it all was, being off social media, my odd desire to plea for sympathy and attention, and knowing I had cut myself off from that avenue to make that anonymous call. In a meta sort of way, it was both satisfying and dissatisfying to be in that situation wanting something, but choosing not to indulge in it.

I watched myself die over these past two weeks.

Today, I am Tyler Suzuki Nelson, but not the Tyler Suzuki Nelson I was two weeks ago. Now, I am so much less than I was back then. But now, I am also so much more than I was back then. I am the same, but I am different.

It’s been a rough ride, but over time, I’ve allowed myself to let go a little. I’ve allowed myself to rest more than I’ve done so in a while. I’ve given myself the chance to heal, bringing light to some of the darkness I’ve experienced over the past many days, but also to some other corners of my life I hadn’t yet explored. And I’m not perfect, but I think I’ve come a little bit closer to accepting myself in the present moment; I’m no longer needing the me of the past, and I recognize my ability to push towards a better future.

So this is me getting back on my feet again.

Hello, reality.

I’m back.

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